Archive for the 'coping' Category

Yeah, I think I’m bitter!

I do try very hard not to be bitter…but as I’m sitting here, listening to M. cough, not more than 2 hours post albuterol neb treatment…I can’t help but feel a little bitter.

I know I’m not the only mom of an asthmatic child out there. I’m fully aware that my child isn’t the only one coughing tonight. I’m sure that there are people at the ER right now with their child, gasping for breath, and coughing…and I thank God that we aren’t there.

BUT…(there’s always a BUT, isn’t there) I get a little tired of people, with their chronically healthy children, who just don’t get it. Who make comments to me when M. is coughing and we’re out and about. The ones who look sideways at me when they overhear me ask…”how’s your tummy…are you going to throw up?”

I tend to make a lot of jokes about M’s health. It gets to the point where, if I don’t laugh about it, I cry. Quite honestly, I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of trying to figure out how to split myself fairly between my two girls. A always seems to be getting the short end of the stick lately. She’s acting out because she’s feeling neglected. It’s not fair, at all…but I don’t know how to change it. Treating this flare just takes so LONG…15 minutes for a treatment…wait 15 minutes while she does airway clearance…15 more minutes for the next treatment…oh, wait…2 more puffers to do…stop and take a listen…and all this time, poor A is left to ‘fend’ for herself. “Please get yourself into bed, honey…I’ll be up to tuck you in in a little while.” I can’t do that right now, sweetie…I have to finish up treatments…etc”

So, yeah…I’m bitter. I mourn for what I don’t have. Is it small in the grand scheme of things…probably…but it’s my life, and I had a “dream” of what my life, and what my children’s life would be like…and quite honestly, uncontrolled asthma wasn’t part of that plan…so I think I have the right to mourn and grieve every once in a while, and I think I’m entitled to be bitter occasionally.

It is what it is, of course…and I’m trying…really I am. Things are just bad right now, and I’m having a hard time coping. We’ll muddle through…we always do.

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